The Obsession Post
October 17, 2009
So.
BikerMan and I had a huge fight the other night
This fight was followed by a huge talk
apparently
I am obsessed by all things trying to conceive
All things baby
Getting knocked up
Now this may come as a surprise to some of you
If it does, please I insist that you take a moment
Sit down
Place your head downwards between your knees
And
Breath
It of course did not come as a shock to me
I mean come on, it’s been 10 years
You don’t manage 10 years without dedication
and a bit of hardcore obsession
Our conversation did however come as a shock
And I think it could may very well be the clincher
In whether or not our ttc journey is going to continue
Or end
I am thinking it may be the latter at the moment
While I still ponder, let me ask, are YOU obsessed by trying to get knocked up?
Are you constantly thinking about pregnancy, babies and how to get one of your own?
Do we need to start a TTC Anonymous?
The Envy Post
October 14, 2009
Isn’t it strange how we all envy someone who has something we want but that those things we envy are so completely different for each person?
Kate over at Maybe Baby? is wanting to be in her second trimester (completely understandable after what she’s been through, I’d want to be in the second trimester too!) – you know I’m rootin for ya honey! (thats cheering you on in Aussie slang! Though it does have another meaning too but we won’t go into that!).
In complete contrast I’d be happy to be where she is right now, still knocked up and willing my second trimester to come hurtling toward me with gusto!
Others have told me while they don’t envy my miscarriages [after all who would?], they do envy the fact that I’ve managed to at least get knocked up, there are plenty out there who don’t even know if they can get knocked up.
There are those who are TTC and envy those who at least have a diagnosis as to why they can’t get knocked up. Unknown Infertility is hell on earth. If you don’t know what’s wrong then you can’t fix it, hence no solution. I envy those who have been lucky enough (that soooo doesn’t sound right but really there is NO other way to phrase it!) to find a reason behind their recurrent miscarriages, I haven’t been that lucky, I fall into the unknown zone and it’s a zone I hate because there is no solution so all I get is keep trying and one day one may stick. Ugh yeah my heart doesn’t like that plan very much.
No matter where you are on your InFertility journey, you will always find that there is someone who you envy and there will be someone envying your position in the journey…..such is life.
The Descent Post
October 12, 2009
At some point last night, the descent started.
Early this morning I could see the bottom.
This afternoon I hit the bottom.
By early evening I had no fingernails left due to scrapping at the side trying to ascend again.
The darkness is blinding.
The silence palpable.
Have you ever just sat and felt your emotions taking over your body?
It starts out as a calm, much like before a storm. Silence, stillness, you know it’s coming you’re just not sure when.
As I sat in the darkness this afternoon, let my mind empty and just sat there.
Me heart started beating faster first.
Then my breathing caught up with it.
My eyes twitched before releasing tears.
I sat there, so still while I felt a tear well up in the corner of my left eye.
It built up and up, teetering on the cusp of my lower lashes, until my eye could hold it no longer.
I felt it spill over onto my cheek.
I felt it begin it’s slow slide down my cheek and as it reached my lips, I felt another escape from my eye.
Before I knew what was happening, the tears were freefalling down my face and my heart had begun to ache.
It’s ironic that just as I’d decided that this blog was about to take a happy turn, I was going to see the positives and just take life as it comes, I experience a loss.
It’s as if, even when I’m focussing on the positive and enjoying what I have in life rather than being sad about what I don’t, the Universe comes along and slaps me in the face and says “hey sunshine welcome back to the real world!”
Failure.
Thats the word for the day, evening, week. It’s a word I cannot get out of head no matter how hard I try.
It feels that every time I try to achieve something, I fail at it.
I will be sad if I never become a Mother. I will be devestated if I never make BikerMan a Dad. I will feel like a failure, like I seem to be, like I feel I already am.
A failure at being a wife.
A failure at being a woman.
[I wanted to add that while I understand my blog is currently sounding sad, depressed and morose, I apologise but this is how I'm feeling right now. I need to get these feelings out, if I don't well......I can't even put it into words. This is my outlet, where I come for support. Support I need more than ever right now because I'm choosing not to share this with the people in my life in the "real" world. That might sound insane in itself but my heart and my head cannot handle the questions and there would be questions and the level of support I would get from the people in the "real" world woud be minimal going off past experiences.]
The I Don’t Know What To Post, So I Will Ramble Post
October 11, 2009
I am sorry that I haven’t posted in a few days.
If I knew what to post, I would have posted earlier.
However, I did not.
I drafted a post many a time in my head, came to the computer and waited for it to transpire through my fingers onto the keyboard.
That never happened.
It’s been a tough week and a half.
It was my Dads 65th birthday on the 7th. He of course isn’t here to celebrate it. We went out to dinner and toasted him in his absence.
My due date for my 4th miscarriage was yesterday – the 10th. It came and went, I tried not to think about it – that obviously [as usual] did not work.
I don’t have the ability to put grief on top of grief and I haven’t finished – in fact not even really acknowledged so therefore started – my fifth loss yet.
Throw into the mix a couple of “omg I’m pregnant” announcements in the “real” world and a couple of longterm ttcer’s in the ALI blogosphere annoucing their happy knocked up news [which I have to say I AM truly happy and thrilled for them but well sorry guys if I haven't come across as super excited and happy for you but I'm kind of living my own hell at the moment - I hope y'all understand!] and well I’m surprised that I’ve managed to drag myself out of bed all week if I’m honest.
And so my fifth loss.
I’ve had so many people this past week [not that I've told a whole heap of people, in fact none in "real life", I just can't and couldn't handle the questions] tell me that I will have a baby, I just need to keep the hope alive.
Really?
I understand people only say these things to help me stay positive but telling me things that aren’t true and are unlikely to come to fruition actually do not help the situation.
In fact all it does is ram home the fact that no, unlike some who miscarry, I’m not actually going to pick the magic door and come home with the prize. Instead I’m going to be the sucker who gambles the big win on a “chance” and come home with fuck all while the audience laugh at me.
I’ve had people who tell me that they too have miscarried BUT they accepted that their baby wasn’t ready nor healthy enough to come into the world just yet and so they were grateful that they miscarried. That they applied this thinking to all 3 or 5 or 7 miscarriages that they had to endure to get their 2 or 3 or 4 or 5 healthy children.
And that my friends is the kicker right there.
Their 2 or 3 or 4 or 5 healthy children.
Now in no way am I discounting the pain they endured having miscarriages.
Miscarriages are hell on earth and I wouldn’t wish my pain or heartache on even my worst enemy, believe me.
However yes, my miscarriages perhaps may be less taxing on my soul had I been lucky enough to have successful pregnancies and healthy children between them.
However I have not.
I’ve fought to become a Mother for 10 very long years. Answering question after question as to why we don’t have children yet, if we’re going to have children and whether that healthy glow I have is because I’m pregnant? (no my cheeks are red because I’ve just been crying – again!).
The questions have started going around in my head.
Why is the one that pushes to the front, barrelling all the others out of the way.
I must have been really bad in a previous life.
I must have some bad karma lingering around me in this life.
I was 6 weeks and I knew I was knocked up before I took the test.
I knew I was miscarrying as soon as I went to the toilet that day.
Isn’t it profoundly sad that I wasn’t surprised to miscarry?
This is what sex and pregnancy has come down to.
You have sex.
You may fall pregnant.
You will then more than likely [going off your track record/past history] spontaneously abort your child.
On one of the forums that I post on, another regular poster on a thread I too am a regular on, was due the same time I should have been had I not had my 4th miscarriage. Isn’t it pathetic that while she was giving birth, I was experiencing yet another miscarriage?
She got a [no doubt] beautiful baby girl, I got another crack in my heart.
I fear any more cracks and my heart will void it’s warranty and I’m not sure I can live with a broken heart for the rest of my life.
Could you?
The Straw That Broke the Camel’s Back Post
October 6, 2009
I always wondered what it would take to break the camels back.
I’ve also always wondered where the “the straw that broke the camels back” phrase came from?
I mean straw isn’t very heavy so it would have to be bales of hay being dropped onto that camel from a great height for it’s back to be broken right?
As you can see I obviously have too much time on my hands right now, coupled with the fact that I’ve been thinking about anything AND everything to distract my mind from the one thing that I don’t want to think about.
It hasn’t been working.
My last post on this was vague because I just couldn’t put my heart through dealing with it. Nothing has changed except to say that I’ve admitted it but I don’t feel as expected.
I’ve just suffered my 5th loss and I feel numb.
I don’t feel angry.
I don’t fee sad.
I’m not asking why me?
I am however asking – whats the matter with me?
Why am I feeling like this?
Why am I feeling nothing?
This isn’t normal and I do not like it.
Is this what it has come to? Where I’ve suffered so many losses that my heart doesn’t even recognise them anymore? It’s that glazed over? It has such a blase torwards pain that nothing can hurt it anymore? I find that hard to believe and yet I have no other explanation as to why right now I’m just numb.
Now understand when I say numb, I mean exactly that, no feeling, walking around in a daze, letting life happen around me. I’m here in my life but not really contributing in anyway shape or form.
Each day is blending into the next and yet I don’t know where one ends and the next begins.
Do I think this WILL be the straw that breaks the camel’s back? I don’t know but can I experience a 6th loss? No, no I can’t. Yet then I never thought I’d be able to experience a 5th losse or a 4th, 3rd or 2nd but I did and here I am still standing after all those losses.
5. Five. 4 plus 1. Six minus one. F.I.V.E. losses. 5 lives that won’t enter into mine and BikerMans. Five lives that we won’t get to share. 5 births we will never experience. Five first birthdays we will never see…..
I really don’t like the number FIVE anymore…..
I won’t go into details.
I can’t go into details.
IF I acknowledge it,
or write about it
then my heart has to be exposed to it
and
right now….
it simply cannot handle that.
Awards
October 2, 2009
Soooooo I’ve been lucky enough to get two awards of late but have been slack and not blogged about them!
The first was from Seraphim over at Oh, the possibilities! and it was an Honest Scrap award. This award means alot to me because it’s the one thing that I try to be most of all on this blog – honest. It may not win me any friends and at times it may lose me readers but when I’m being honest about my feelings, my thoughts and my experiences then I’m being true to myself. My blog is my sanctuary, where I can be myself uncensored and just be.
I now have to tell you ten things about myself. You’re not supposed to know these things about me but after the week I’ve had, I may cheat and throw some things in that you already do know about me, if you find you do, my most humble apologies and please ask for a raincheck for a complete new fact about me in the comment section!
#1 BikerMan and I met on the internet a week after I arrived in Europe to work as a Nanny for an American family. We spoke on the internet for hours every day for a couple of weeks before we spoke on the phone and then at the end of the month he came down to where I lived so we could meet.
#2 He proposed a month after we met (and I’d accepted!) and we were married a year after we first met.
#3 BikerMans family boycotted our wedding. They loved me til we said we were getting married and then they turned into the family that likes to hate. They didn’t care that I made him happy, all they could see was that I was “taking him away from them” and so they ruined our day. His Dad didn’t bother to come at all and the rest of his family walked out after the ceremony. To this day we still don’t speak to his parents and have only just recently started speaking to his sister again after 8 years of no contact. 10 years on we get the last laugh because we’re still together and as in love as ever.
#4 I will never EVER forgive his family for how they made BikerMan feel on our wedding day, nor will I ever forgive them for ruining our wedding day – when I think of our wedding day, their behaviour is all I can think about.
#5 BikerMan is 10years and 3 months older than me and yet I still love him and his ever greying hair – he says it’s my fault his hair is grey (and yes I’m laffin my arse off as I type this!!)
#6 I love BikerMan a little more each day – something I never thought possible.
#7 I hate spring because I get hayfever and the season is just about to swing into action here.
#8 I have a secret desire to be thin, wear black jeans, a long black leather coat, paint my nails black, wear heavy eye makeup and not care what anyone thinks about me!
#9 I loooooooong to know how to apply great eye makeup! I sooooo want to do “smoky eyes” but have never mastered it yet – anyone want to teach me?
#10 I miss my beloved Dad more and more each day…..
My nominees that I’m going to pass this award onto are:-
Irish Girl
Hopes and Dreams for Us
and last but not least Sass from Secret Life of Sass & Lex
My second award is from Sass over at Secret Life of Sass & Lex and it was an Over The Top 
award which I sometimes think my blog is LOL but I make no apologies for!!
Ok so I have to answer the below questions with only ONE answer:-
1. Where is your cell phone? KITCHEN
2. Your hair? UP
6. Your dream last night? VIVID
8. Your dream/goal? HAPPINESS
9. What room are you in? LOUNGE
10. Your hobby? BLOGGING
13. Where were you last night? IN BED
17. Where did you grow up? OSTRAHHHHHLIA
18. Last thing you did? TYPED
21. Your pets? ASLEEP
22. Friends? V.FEW
23. Your life? SO-SO
25. Missing someone? YES
26. Vehicle? GOES
27. Something you’re not wearing? SOCKS
29. Your favorite colour? BLUE
30. When was the last time you laughed? THIS AFTERNOON
33. One place that I go to over and over? BEACH
34. One person who emails me regularly? BIKERMAN
35. Favorite place to eat? HOME
I’m passing this award onto:-
Mindful Meandering
No Oven for The Bun
Crazy Lady Ramblings
and last but not least Oh, the possibilities!
I hope I haven’t bored you all too much with my dribbling tonight, back to normal posting tomorrow!!
TGIT – Thank God It’s Thursday
October 1, 2009
Yes yes I know it SHOULD read Thank God It’s Friday – TGIF and normally it would
HOWEVER
Thursday is my Friday and so from this week I will be making a TGIT post and my fellow bloggy friends do not despair, do not read my TGIT posts and think cow! How dare she celebrate her weekend a day before we get to! Who does she think she is? Instead look at it as getting into the weekend celebrations early!!
And so tonight in true TGIT style, I’m bustin out my dance moves all over my lounge room while my dogs (and BikerMan I might add!) look at me like I’m having some kind of medical seizure and debate whether to call the men in the white coats from the asylum or the ambulance service!!
And what am I bustin my dance moves to? Well this of course, a video compiled of the dance moves of one of the few women that I’d turn gay for (her sense of humour does it for me as does her smile!) and the soundtrack to it is killer, I *heart* The Kooks song She Moves in Her Own Way….
The Reason for the Change Post
September 29, 2009
So why the change?
It’s quite simple really, the past month has been one of realisations for me. Not all at once and not right in your face very obvious changes, just subtle ones that take their time to reveal themselves but when they do, it DOES feel like someone has walked up to me, slapped me across the face and yelled “why didn’t you realise that sooner?” LOL.
It’s been confronting. It’s been eye opening. It’s been scary, upsetting, dark but at the same time, relieving and peaceful. The last quote on my header from the Dalai Lama has helped me adjust to this change of thinking…..“The purpose of our lives is happiness”. Even if I never become a Mother, I can still be happy. In fact if I never become a Mother, I owe it to not only myself but also BikerMan to be happy. To embrace my life, our life for what it is, rather than dwell on what it is not.
“We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves.” How utterly true is this statement? How can I expect my body to conceive and carry a healthy child when I have so much negativity, bitterness, anger and expectation just pouring out of it? I put so much pressure on my body every cycle, that every cycle my body is failing just amounts to more pressure next cycle. Yes my body is failing but focussing on that every month hasn’t worked for the past 120+ odd cycles so perhaps it’s time I stopped? My body is apparently my temple, so perhaps it’s time I gave it a break and just once when it doesn’t do something that supposedly comes naturally to it, I just don’t mention it rather pretend it never happened.
I “lost” a friend a few weeks back and took the plunge to email her last week and ask what had happened. She told me that my blog was profoundly sad, heartbreaking in fact and that she couldn’t read it anymore. Which was fine. I respect people’s decision in what they choose to read and what they choose not to read, I’d hate to think that anyone was reading me purely because they felt they “had to”, thats not why I write. I write because it helps my head stay partially sane and I write because I like being part of the ALI community. If people don’t like what I say or how I say it, by all means click the little x in the corner, close the window and move on, if you do like what I say and how I say it then yes, please do keep coming back, I love my readers and the comments they leave!
She told me that misery loves company (or in words similar) and funnily enough BikerMan has told me the same thing time after time. “You’re never going to be happy while you surround yourself with sadness”. To a point they are both right HOWEVER I have no desire to leave my blog, my readers OR the people I read. Yes it would be fan-freaking-tabulous if my life was all fairies, cupcakes and coloured marshmellow rainbows and glitter but omg thats right it’s the real world and it’s not. Sad things happen in life and unfortunately I just happen to blog about subjects that are hard to deal with and upsetting to have to keep going through time after time. I make no apologies for how I write. I write whats happening in my head, if I don’t get it out here I’ll go insane and probably throw myself in front of a truck. This means that yes there are going to be sad things written, angry things and posts regarding depression, it needs to be said, needs to be shared.
The last thing she mentioned was this post on why I want to be happy for infertiles but I struggle to be. I was very honest on that post and was told so by many commentators. I want to make it abundantly clear that I am ALWAYS happy when a fellow ALI community member falls pregnant. The reason for that post was to get the point across that yes I may not always seem happy about PG announcements but deep down I am I just struggle to show it and that is no crime. I really wanted to put that message out there, that you can feel disappointed, sadness and depression about others getting knocked up and acknowledging those emotions is perfectly fine and healthy and normal!!
I want to say that I haven’t written about why my friend stopped reading me to “out” her or embarass her (though she no longer reads me so that doesn’t really matter) I did it because her email was another of my realisations. Something also clicked in my head that made me see what she was saying from a different perspective. I also want to say, publicly, that yes I WAS and AM 100% truly happy for her. I don’t do fake congratulatory statements, if I say I’m happy for you then I am.
Lastly I understand that some don’t want to read about my struggles and you know what, that is completely FINE. Like there are some pregnancy blogs that I can’t read, there will be some who find my writing just too bleak, depressing and YES at times bitter and judgemental. Let me assure you though that unfortunately I’m an opinionated little cow, always have been and always will be. I hold my hands up and admit freely that yes I’ve been bitter in the past, I’m sorry but 10 years struggling to achieve what others only seem to have to sneeze to achieve, I’d like to meet anyone who doesn’t hold even the tiniest bit of a bitterness or resentment towards people who manage to get what they want so easily while they struggle time after time. Of course this does not maketh an excuse but it is what it is and I can’t change the past. What I can do is move forward and hope to change the future.
It is your choice if you choose to read, yours if you choose to not read but I am me, I’m honest and I put my feelings out there…and yes there will always be people who don’t like that…..
New Look (surprise surprise!) and New Attitude
September 29, 2009
I will explain in a longer post tonight but rest assured it IS still me blogging but with a (hopefully) new attitude and so new look…..the title says it all really….whatever will be….
Back later xx
