The Descent Post

At some point last night, the descent started.

Early this morning I could see the bottom.

This afternoon I hit the bottom.

By early evening I had no fingernails left due to scrapping at the side trying to ascend again.

The darkness is blinding.

The silence palpable.

Have you ever just sat and felt your emotions taking over your body?

It starts out as a calm, much like before a storm. Silence, stillness, you know it’s coming you’re just not sure when.

As I sat in the darkness this afternoon, let my mind empty and just sat there.

Me heart started beating faster first.

Then my breathing caught up with it.

My eyes twitched before releasing tears.

I sat there, so still while I felt a tear well up in the corner of my left eye.

It built up and up, teetering on the cusp of my lower lashes, until my eye could hold it no longer.

I felt it spill over onto my cheek.

I felt it begin it’s slow slide down my cheek and as it reached my lips, I felt another escape from my eye.

Before I knew what was happening, the tears were freefalling down my face and my heart had begun to ache.

It’s ironic that just as I’d decided that this blog was about to take a happy turn, I was going to see the positives and just take life as it comes, I experience a loss.

It’s as if, even when I’m focussing on the positive and enjoying what I have in life rather than being sad about what I don’t, the Universe comes along and slaps me in the face and says “hey sunshine welcome back to the real world!”

Failure.

Thats the word for the day, evening, week. It’s a word I cannot get out of head no matter how hard I try.

It feels that every time I try to achieve something, I fail at it.

I will be sad if I never become a Mother. I will be devestated if I never make BikerMan a Dad. I will feel like a failure, like I seem to be, like I feel I already am.

A failure at being a wife.

A failure at being a woman.

[I wanted to add that while I understand my blog is currently sounding sad, depressed and morose, I apologise but this is how I'm feeling right now. I need to get these feelings out, if I don't well......I can't even put it into words. This is my outlet, where I come for support. Support I need more than ever right now because I'm choosing not to share this with the people in my life in the "real" world. That might sound insane in itself but my heart and my head cannot handle the questions and there would be questions and the level of support I would get from the people in the "real" world woud be minimal going off past experiences.]

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